sakura evening sun

" . . no, I don’t call myself lonely. It’s true that I have isolated myself almost as much as a person can, but I am not lonely.

One thing I wish would be understood, though, is my motive for this isolation. It is not out of disdain for people, as you may think (and as I have even confused myself): it is out of my love.

When I am with people, I feel their feelings as though they were my own, and when I love, I love deeply. To be with more than one person is overwhelming.

It’s only when I find myself among numbers of people that I feel it; the loneliness. It greets me as a shock: I can’t relate to all these differing moods and perceptions out of the depth of my solitude.

And what has always felt comfortable or happy for me suddenly feels unnatural; somehow not right. And I leave saddened.

Given my inability to deal with people in plurality, I find, in these times, that the longing for one strong and intimate relation returns: 

A longing for just one person with whom I could share this complete world of love I carry in me... but in finding none, I feel a painfully deep sense of lack . . . "

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